Self-Abandonment: Are You A People Pleaser?

By Audrey Lee

Self-Abandonment: Are You A People Pleaser?

February 22nd, 2022 at 4:15 am

How to create boundaries and stand up for yourself

 

Moments where you notice yourself self-abandoning can hit pretty hard. We may feel sad and even sorry for ourselves, however…sometimes, it can be rather empowering. 

 

Self-abandonment can show up in many different ways. Saying, doing, and even believing something that doesn’t authentically align with your needs and/or personal values are typically forms of self-abandoning. It is something that everyone does from time-to-time; either consciously or even subconsciously. We show up for other people in order to make them satisfied, happy, or comfortable while forgetting about or neglecting ourselves. 

 

Signs Of Self-Abandonment

Something we may commonly find ourselves doing is saying ‘yes’ or ‘okay’ to doing something you actually don’t want to, or that may be disrespecting you, your time, and energy. Examples of this would be: 

  • Saying ‘okay’ to working overtime.
  • Agreeing to going out with friends when you much rather prefer staying in for the night. 
  • Saying ‘yes’ to helping someone when you know you already have so much on your plate.

 

Other signs of self-abandoning could be taking on beliefs of other people, and which in most cases happens before actually saying or doing what doesn’t authentically resonate with us. We may sometimes: 

  • Think someone else’s advice is better than our own gut instinct.
  • Believe that we are the demeaning words other people may call us.
  • Believe in someone else’s opinion over you.
  • Believe we have to change ourselves for others.

 

Creating boundaries and standing up for ourselves are some examples of what we can do to stop people-pleasing and self-abandoning. The line between doing something for someone because you care and doing something for someone but neglecting your own needs can be a very fine one. It can sometimes be difficult to tell the difference, but that is why it is important to distinguish the differences and do our best in making sure we are genuinely okay too.

 

How To Set Boundaries 

Firstly, get to know yourself. It can be of huge help when a time comes and you’re conflicted on whether you want to agree in doing something for someone else’s benefit. Get to know yourself by studying how you feel when someone asks you to do something or express an opinion of theirs to you. Do you feel a part of you wanting to do something else for yourself instead? Were there feelings of conflict when agreeing to an idea? 

 

After familiarising yourself with how you feel, communicate. Whether it is in the moment of rejecting that extra amount of work from your boss or to standing up for yourself to someone’s way of speaking to you, you can either keep it short or sit them down.

  • Practice saying ‘no’ when not wanting to do something you don’t want to.
  • Gently express how this person may be treating you makes you feel.
  • Follow up with future references too. You can let them know how to approach you next time or to keep in mind what you are okay with.

 

Let them know what you are okay with and what you aren’t. Communicating is a great way to express your boundaries. 

 

And lastly, remember why you have created these boundaries. Occasionally, people can take advantage of your wants in pleasing them. This can be disrespectful and mistreatment, and not stating our boundaries with what we are okay with and what we are not can have them continue on with the mistreatment. Standing up for ourselves can definitely be considered a part of self-growth and great practice of self-love. Stating our boundaries can give us a better sense of self-worth and can make us feel more confident. 

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